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Is it just me or does it happen to everyone? Have you experienced that fleeting moment of sheer insanity when someone has woken you up form a deep sleep? Just that moment where, you’ve been dreaming or having a nightmare and the next thing you know is, you’re staring at someone’s face. That freaks me out. To me THAT is the freakiest thing I’ve ever experienced. It’s pure concentrated insanity which I don’t relish, even though it lasts just a second or two. I hate that feeling of not knowing who, what or where I am. What’s worse is the moment after that, where you realise what exactly happened a few seconds ago. Scares the shit out of me. What if, one day, you wake up and it’s not just a few seconds? What if it’s permanent? You’d stop being you. Your entire identity would change, you wouldn’t necessarily remember who you are and you’d be living a completely different life. Essentially the person you are now would be……….Dead.

Think about it.
Losing your sanity…….
……your identity……
…….becoming someone else.
Fucking terrifying. Makes you wanna lose your sanity all over again. I guess this would be my worst fear. Funny, till now I always thought snakes were my worst fear……

Gremlins........

I thought I'd posted this but it has mysteriously not appeared...anyways here it is now..........

B A R F......

I have to blog about this, how can I not blog about this. It’s probably cruel, but I’ll do it anyways. Last night I went for the “Model of the Year” contest. As you can probably imagine, the title got me going the moment Mercutio asked me if I wanted to go with him for the event. So there I was dressed up (looking very spiffy if I do say so myself) looking forward to the event.

The Event……..
…………….was an unmitigated……….
Disaster………

Correct me if I’m wrong. I always thought that of all people, models were supposed to be good looking. These women looked like they were hit with the ugly stick when they were in the womb. Ok forget the fact that they were ugly, look past the fact that they looked half preggo, accept the fact that since they are not used to shaving their entire legs it’s likely to look stubbly/knobbly in the upper thigh area (too much detail?), getting past all this…..do they still have to open their mouths and speak? “I em WattakaPooke Nandani Chandani Malkanthi, I like moadelin very much, I hop u hauv a nice day, thank you thank you”. No I am not being elitist. If they can’t speak English or not proficient in it, then why speak it at all? Why couldn’t they introduce themselves in Sinhala? I have no issues with that. Besides it’s not like the camera understands only one language, so I don’t get the reason for the English introductions. All it did was make those women the laughing stock of the event, and I’m not kidding. Disaster upon disaster. One woman announced that she was “Monica, noet Monica Lewinsky, it is Monica whatever (can’t remember her other name)”, and another one turned up, announced her name, her office, her position, her boss’s name, and that Indika Gunawardene (UNP minister I think) ceremonially opened their office. Like I really needed to know that! Hello? Do these people have an IQ? They put Blondes to shame (yeah yeah stereotyping, so sue me). Then the dreaded swimsuit bit started. I say dreaded because it was all I could do to keep my food down. That whole segment went like “Contestant #1 (I wanna barf), Contestant #2 (I wanna barf), Contestant #3 (I wanna barf),…..you get the idea, right?

err...typo?

Horror........

My day started out with a spot of spring-cleaning. I decided that it was about time that I got my laptop sorted out in terms of protection against Virii and Spyware. Much to my surprise and horror I found out in due course that I had harboured no less than 4 Worms and a myriad Spyware programs. To say that I was pissed off would be putting it mildly. Anyways after much cleaning and deleting and cussing and throwing things around office, I sat down for a spot of surfing. Of course Murphy’s Law WOULD choose to strike at that point. Because now that I have the Virus Scanner, I keep discovering these bloody Worm attacks. And EVRY time I get hit, my machine crashes. Ooooh Lovely! Anyways, I am riding the wave somewhat calmly, and I shall somehow see this through.

Loki seems to have disappeared into the realm of the Cubicle World. I wonder if she’s met the Pointy Haired boss. Speaking of Dilbert-like characters, does anyone else beside me think that Drew Carey looks the human version of Dilbert? In which case Mimi would be Catbert! Fits in rather nicely don’t you think?

In other news, the great Malfurion is on the look out for a Sound Engineer to fix the rattling noise inside his car. Words fail me……….. A Sound Engineer? I might be wrong, but I never noticed a recording studio inside that car. For gods sake, go to some 3rd rate mechanic and he’ll solve the rattle……………..and if it still doesn’t work seek out a good surgeon. A spot of snipping with some scissors should do the trick! Sound Engineer indeed! Next thing you know he’ll want a wind tunnel to test the drag created by his aerial (on his car of course).

Spike seems to be coming along nicely with his driving. Yes, Malfurion, I have been driven by Spike. Good god that sounds perverse doesn’t it? Anyways, I shall post this before my machine crashes again……………whoosh!

Go figure..............

It is death, it is death
It is life, it is life
It is death, it is death
It is life, it is life
This is the hairy man who caused the sun to shine again for me
Up the ladder, up the ladder, Up to the top
The sun shines!

In case you're wondering (and I know you are) WTF that's all about, hang on, the explanation follows. Death Metal lyrics it's not, me writing poetry while on hallucinogens - not this time, confessions of the guy who sticks his head into the horses' arse (the little mpeg attachment you've all gotten at some point by email) - still no. Actually it's the Haka. THE Haka. The only one worth mentioning. Although in retrospect mentioning it in this form may not have been the best way of showcasing it.
Ok, here is the whole thing in Maori and English as performed by the All Blacks -

Ka mate Ka mate
It is death It is death

Ka ora Ka ora
It is life It is life

Ka mate Ka mate
It is death It is death

Ka ora Ka ora
It is life It is life

Tenei Te Tangata Puhuruhuru
This is the hairy man

Nana i tiki mai whakawhiti te ra
Who caused the sun to shine again for me

Upane Upane
Up the ladder Up the ladder

Upane Kaupane
Up to the top

Whiti te ra
The sun shines!

All this is said in very impressive blood curdling yells, and probably scares the living daylights out of most people. Fortunately most people don't know the actual words behind it, or like me, all you'd get is players rolling on the field laughing their heads off. Because, you have to admit, it does sound............hilarious! : ) (Honestly This is the hairy man who caused the sun to shine again for me cracks me up!)

But wait............it gets better.

As usual I have to keep prodding things till I get a satisfactory result (ooooh). So I prodded to find what this means in context. Here's what I found.

"About 140 years ago, a particularly notorious warlike chief named Te Rauparaha of the Ngati Toa tribe (based just North of present day Wellington), was being chased by his enemies. He hid in a kumara pit (the local sweet potato, only much better) and waited in the dark for his pursuers to find him. He heard sounds above and thought he was done for when the top of the pit was opened up and sunshine flooded in. He was blinded and struggled to see those about to slay him, when his sight cleared and he instead saw the hairy legs of the local chief (reputed to have been exceptionally hirsute) who had hid him. Te Rauparaha is said to have jumped from the pit and performed this haka on the spot, so happy was he to have escaped. Undoubtedly, he also had in his mind to do a little pursuing of his own --- Te Rauparaha being that way inclined was he!"

Yep. This was a hit performed by a horny gay guy 140 years ago. NOW it's performed by 15 guys built like tanks to 15 guys who think they're built like tanks. And there are several million people watching this with rapt attention and thinking "wow, that's impressive", whereas actually the All Blacks are giving the opposition a wink and saying "hey there big hairy boy, fancy a quicky after the match?"

Go figure................................

Thirteen Thirteen Thirteen...........

The fateful 13th post. At least, I think it is. Maybe the most appalling thing possible will happen to me. Now what could that be? Here’s my list of The Most Appalling Things That Could Happen To Me.
1. Waking up in bed next to George Bush (Snr. Or Jnr)
2. Being stuck in an elevator with the Purple Dino (you know who that is)
3. Being stuck behind a fat woman with body odour in an elevator
4. Having to live in India (NOOOOOOOOOO!)
5. Becoming a vegetarian
6. Not getting paid
7. Forced to watch local TV
8. Waking up everyday to go to work
9. Acting in a Sinhala teledrama (even as a vegetable)
10. Being appointed the Official Papal Drool Wiper

You have to admit, some of those things are pretty appalling. But then again, I’m not superstitious so I guess it doesn’t matter in the end.

Good weekend. Spike, Khal, Malfurion and I had a HUGE marathon session at Mind on Friday. Went there at 8 pm and didn’t step out till we saw (literally) the light of day. Which was at 6 am Saturday. Wasted, but happy. Krebs’ gig that night was pretty good. Was rather sorry to leave it and go to the Library. But then, when The Stage Boss calls, you have to go : ) Khal was smoking (on the pool table) that night. Ended up creaming everybody. Another late night, another late morning. Went for the In-Between persons’ play. GAG! Ok, maybe that’s a bit harsh. But puhleease! When you get the casting pretty wrong, unnecessarily long scene changes (when the scene only contains 4 chairs), very loud POP music, constant MORAL spewage, and of course the fact that all the punch lines were in Sinhala………….well……….to put it politely, it wasn’t a must see.

Enough, much surfing awaits (pron pron pron)……..Whoosh!

The end is nigh................

And the Lord said unto Moses “Verily, ye shall know that the Apocalypse will be heralded by the death of a behemoth and mirth of a Goldfish”

Beware; the end of the world is nigh! Loki is chirpy! This almost as rare as seeing a dead whale on you local beach, if not rarer! Jokes aside, it’s good to see Loki out of her brooding moods, let’s hope that this is a forerunner to her personality brought about by the Virtuous workplace.

Meanwhile, I have utterly bored out of my wits at office. So much so, that I have been indulging in reading vague topics ranging from Vegan-ism (Vegetarianism) to Why people drive on the Left/Right hand side of the road. The only thing I haven’t done is watch paint dry (which I actually did in the early days of this office).

Recently I have become an avid fan of The Sun tabloid from Yngland. Rather fascinating news to be found there. Everything from the Royal Family telling Tony Blair to “Naff orf”, to the antics of an online Casanova. Apparently this guy had been chatting up women and having phone sex etc. The best part is, when it was time to meet up for a date, he pretended to have died. Yes died. He sent an email out to the person concerned, pretending to be his brother saying that this guy had an accident and passed away. WTF? What was the whole point of chatting them up anyways? My theory is that the guy lost his balls in an accident and this is the way he’s making up for it. Either way, to quote Obelix, “these Britons are crazy (tap tap tap)”

Anyways, if any of you are into music there is this old song, which has been remixed. It’s called The Riddle; the current version is by Gigi D'Agostino. If anybody knows the answer to the riddle please let me know. That’s it for now I guess. Later. Whoosh….

BTW...

I have pictures of the Whale in question, courtesy of my 7250. If anyone wants a look, let me know.

One wedding and a funeral.......

No I haven’t got the title of the movie wrong. That’s what happened today. My receptionist/boss’s secretary/whatever got married today. So I plodded over (well, drove really) to the GOH and was promptly bored. I was reminded of why I don’t like going for weddings. Anyways after bulldozing my way through the food I decided to go over and take a look at the beached whale. While some of you might think that this is some metaphorical reference to me looking at myself in the mirror, it is not so. There is an actual dead whale beached near MC. I think it’s a !Sperm! Whale :) Anyways, many theories abound to the cause of its death. Ranging from the whale gagging on the fashion statements made by the MC cool dudes, to having an inferiority complex after seeing CBK’s butt, to having to put up with !Sperm! Whale jokes :) but in actuality I think the most probable one is where a ship had ploughed into the whale. Poor thing had a huge gash on its spine area. The stomach area has been ripped open by the rocks and the whole things smells exactly like a 40-foot dead whale should. Go and take a look, it’s something that we will probably never see again in our lifetime. Of course besides putting up with the smell you’ll have to put up with the droves of sheep (the Sri Lankan Public) that are there in their masses. I read somewhere that Whales are related to sheep in some distant manner, therein lies the explanation to the masses congregating to honour their distant dead relative. I half expected a politician of some sort to be there to lament about with side of the government was responsible for the death of this great brother of the people. But disappointingly (?) there were no speeches on “Dooshanaya” and “Bheeshanaya” and “Maravarakam”.

Personally I found the dead whale a very sad sight. A harmless (except to shrimp and such) animal, endangered yet enduring, struck down by a reckless speeding Ship. I think we must start a campaign on sea safety and teach both Captains of Ships and marine creatures alike on the merits of using Zebra fish crossings and Traffic Jellyfish. We could use Dolphins and Sharks to police the sea-lanes and such. Any comments?

Anyways, if you have the time go take a look at it, it’s something to be seen and pondered, not gawked at.

A long sojourn, it has been.....

It is done. The great battle has been fought, the weak have fallen and the strong stand proud over them. The battle was long, arduous and there were times when faith was questioned. But as the smoke clears, the true believers rejoice, for they see only ONE colour shining brightly about all others……

And from the pile of rotting bodies rises the one true leader. The strongest and greatest of them all. He has prevailed while all others have fallen by the roadside. Now he rises to the throne to take his rightful place. Showing all who doubted him that he is THE ONE.

The colour is red…………the rest is history……………

World Constructors Champions FIVE times in a row, World Drivers Champion FOUR times in a row with a total career SIX WDC’s under his belt,
FERRARI & MICHAEL SCHUMACHER have bitch slapped the rest of the Formula 1 world!

A tad bit too melodramatic I suppose, but then, I love F1 and have followed it for the last 12 years or so. Michael has been my favourite driver to watch and support ever since he turned up at Benneton Renault in 1992. The obvious elation and ecstatic reaction is due to 2 things. First wasn’t at all an easy road to victory this year for Ferrari and MS, and second, both of them have now created records which are unprecedented in all of Formula 1’s history.

But enough of that.

Had an amazing trip to Trinco this weekend. Actually it was an extended weekend considering that we left on Wednesday night and stayed till Sunday. If only I could live there. Every time I go there I give that thought some serious consideration. In the end I give in and come back home to Colombo. I suppose I would have no issues staying there if ALL my friends were there, but then that will never happen so……..
Anyways, it was a great trip. The quiet unspoiled beaches, unpolluted, the sea so full of fish and coral, the food, chilling……… and a good bunch of people around you. Excellent. Of course the relaxation experienced at Trinco is completely offset by the journey to and from there. Which is basically a Formula 1 race all the way. What with the Angelic Devil trying constantly to hit the magical 180 kmph mark and the people of this country thwarting him by being utterly inconsiderate and crossing the road and ACTUALLY driving ON THE ROAD! Sacrilege! How dare they even exist when we are on our mission, to be the first to break the speed of light barrier! Even the goats of this country are against us. One almost laid down his life to protest against our mission. But we being utterly selfless, slowed down a tad bit to 170 and only clipped his tail (and that too was only to make him feel better and make him think he had contributed to the Great Goat Protest – a bit like the JVP protest?)

Anyways, came back Sunday evening to Colombo and found the PMax had returned from the land of our oppressors. Errrr, let me clarify that, considering Sri Lanka has been oppressed many times by foreign powers and local powers alike. He was in the land where Curry is a general term for anything liquid and spicy, which passes through your system and out into the toilet in period of time shorter than Loki’s attention span! Ah yes, merry old England. Anyways, more on this later.

El Gato also know as Spike has officiously received his driver’s licence. Heavens to Betsy, we are in mortal danger now! There is a Subaru on the prowl and it’s taking no prisoners. Remember, this is the guy who plays Carmageddon and Grand Theft Auto. Yet another sign of the impending apocalypse!

Well this has been a really long blog by my standards, and if you actually read this, you must be utterly jobless……..I am off to do what I do in office…..errr…..well when I figure that out I’ll blog about it……….Whoosh……….